The Social Hangover

I have been doing a lot of thinking today. The emotional roller coaster of the social hangover has slowed a bit, but I am still glancing at my phone constantly, wanting him to call.

Even this is different, however, than in a relationship. When I have dated in the past I would be physically sick waiting and hoping for the contact. There is something about being a mistress that makes me expect less, and be disappointed less often. If there was a way to channel myself, the mistress, into a relationship, perhaps I'd do it.

It is strange how the heart works. I feel that mine has two compartments. One for romantic forever love, and one for love I know is doomed. I am more daring and outgoing when I am in the mistress role. I know it is doomed, and knowing that I dare to do more. Perhaps I should dare like that always! Being hurt when I don't expect it is something I disdain, however, so I guard myself in love. I form myself into whatever mold I think is the best for me to fit into.

"Happiness, not in another place, but this place; not for another hour, but this hour." -Walt Whitman

I did not wake with a sense of dread this morning, but one of power! I know how intelligent I am and what I deserve. I know that I deserve more than what my current mister has to offer. This whole summer he has been making me feel like I have to fight to get his company. It should (and is) the other way around. He needs to win his way into my life. If he isn't willing to forgive several drunken text messages? Well, then he can go try to find some other hot mistress in this small town (good luck!)

I am not that different than most women. I do not have any issue stealing boyfriends or husbands (typically I just borrow them for a bit), but at the same time, my heart is truly alive. I love. My muse demands drama so that I may write. Does this make me a horrible person? I suppose that depends who is judging. For me, however, I am the only one who matters. I know that I deserve to be fought for and wooed.

So I raise my glass to all of you tonight, who know you are worth more than your present situation. Cheers, to learning self-worth through adultery!